What do you mean, my needs? Can you translate that, because I am not understanding.
There isn’t anything to give to me, no really, I insist, I just love being here with you.
Let me take care of you, really, that’s all I want. I’m such a great cook, what’s your favorite food?
I can step up to the plate, I know I stayed up way too late, but I feel so needed, if you’re not feeling well, let me step in and take care of you, too.
My dreams? Well, to stay home with my family of course. If I left, they would need me, I can’t do that.
You want to do it yourself? Oh, but let me show you this better way! I’ve tried it before, all the different ways, so you could say I’m an expert, and I’ll guide you along the way.
Oh God, I have to stop.
I can’t write like that anymore. It’s repulsive to every single cell in my body.
It’s so hard to go through life, being so finely attuned to the needs of everyone around you, and then you realize this isn’t the way you were designed to live. Not who you are at all, just who you thought you were supposed to be, in order to be good and get love from those you depended on.
So finely attuned, that you almost can’t break away from it whenever you’re around other people. You have to be alone in order to hear yourself think; you trained yourself to hear everyone else’s voice over your own.
Your own needs? “What needs?” you ask. I’m not even sure where to find the answer to that question.
I have needs? No, I don’t actually. I just meet everyone else’s, because that’s the only thing I’m needed for…
I depend on other people for my life’s meaning… because I care for them. I offer help. I offer love. I offer support.
I have lost myself.
Me? Who is this me, outside of and apart from everyone else?
In church, they say give to others, do unto others as you would have them do unto you, love your neighbor as yourself, don’t be selfish, give away your life in service to the One, my life is not my own, you do not live by bread alone, but from the word of God…
I get a 100%. Checked all those boxes. I’m a selfless motherfucker. The most selfless person out there. I don’t need anything, see? I’m always giving away to others. All of my time, all of my energy. All of… well… ME.
I have lost myself.
I succeed in evangelical christianity.
If the goal is to rid myself of my flesh, erase my self in service of something “higher,” mission accomplished.
Enter into motherhood.
This infant, completely reliant on her parents for all of her needs. Oh perfect, I can do this. Once again, I’m needed. Yes, I am needed. My purpose in life, of being needed, has been met again.
Oh, and I am getting crying from this infant… non-stop crying… so… despite my best efforts, all the love and care I can give; more than I can give, actually, I have found within myself to give; and still, it is not enough. The crying, the upset; my love is not enough to make this other person happy.
This worked before, why isn’t it working now? What is different now that I can’t get my needs met by meeting this other person’s needs?
“Our children are our greatest teachers.”
Okay. Soooo, what is it that I need to learn?
Dear one: You are not only valuable because you are valuable to others. Your worth isn’t based on what you can do for other people. You have a self separate from your loved ones. Who are you when you are by yourself? What are your own thoughts, desires, dreams, aspirations? What is it that YOU actually want?
I know you don’t know how to answer that question, but it is something that you must learn. You giving your life away to make the people around you happy is an impossible task. You don’t have that power. I know you thought you did, it seemed like you did based off of your past experiences, but now you are being shown something different. Now you are being shown that YOU are valuable, worthy, just because you are you. Not because you do anything for anyone else. Not because you bring joy to others. Not because of how happy you are all the time… (oh and by the way, you don’t have to be happy all the time. I know you thought you did, in order to help other people be happy, but like I said earlier, that isn’t actually how life works.)
You are the only one who can bring yourself happiness, contentment, joy, love, peace. You see, these things are self-sourced, when you are connected to your source. When you are grounded in your heart, standing in your truth. Blazing your own trail.
Likewise, you have no impact on the lasting happiness of other people. Only they have that power.
So practice standing in your own self. Practice making choices on your own. Practice doing what makes you happy even when it has the opposite effect on others.
Practice finding yourself, my love. You are in there, somewhere, and I promise you, all of that seeking, all of that searching…
You’re worth it.