Where You’ve Been

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Your wants and your needs,
They are perfect, you see?
They are here for you,
To give you what you need.

Specifically tailored for you,
Exactly for you,
They’re here to meet you where you are
And give you what you need

Based on where you’ve been.

Maybe you don’t like them
You want what you need to be different.
You see others, and they don’t need as much as you,
Or the same things as you;
But don’t you see, dear one,
They are not you.

They have not been where you’ve been,
Have not seen what you’ve seen,
Have not felt what you’ve felt.
Their experiences are not your own.

Where you have been has brought you to where you are now.
And where you are now is just perfect for you.

These needs that support you, you don’t like them, I see.
You want to be needless, low maintenance, easy going;
You want your experience to be different than what it is.
You have your expectations already placed in your head, and I know,
It’s hard to change your idea of what you should need.

But darling, it’s okay to need what you need.

You can give yourself time, space, rest, go ahead:
Depleting yourself won’t put you ahead.

Opening to Creative Possibilities

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When you feel stuck, trapped, isolated… 

I want to remind you,

This is a feeling. 

It’s feeling like your current reality, it feels so “TRUE,” but can you step outside of that?

Can you back up and see the bigger picture?

Can you remember that feelings are feelings and not necessarily the truth of your situation?

Can you honor the feeling inside of you, not negate or invalidate what you feel?

They come up from inside of you for a reason, you know. 

There was a point in time where believing these things helped you, guided you, assisted you through the place you were in. 

And can you see, they’re here again, trying to help because they helped you the last time you needed guidance. 

Maybe this time they’re off, it’s feeling untrue, and the way you can tell is that it doesn’t feel true. 

These feelings that emerge within are describing an old version of you, and this current version of you is ready to move onto something new.

Are you ready to step back now? Can you see the bigger picture at hand? 

Can you describe your situation from a new perspective, gaining new insight, seeing new land? A new horizon, a new beginning, something that’s helping you move forward now? 

What is it that you crave? Allow that to guide the way.

Your desire is here to help you, to help you find your way. 

So when you’re ready, let go of what the past offered to you in the now. The present has a new offering, and you can choose your acceptance of either gift, but don’t get them confused. The past will keep you where you were at, if you keep trying to bring it with you in the present. 

The present will guide you to more of who you are, who you have become. 

Choose you now. Honor who you were, release the identity you were holding onto, and embrace the newness of the you that is.

It’s Not Your Job

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It’s not your job, you know, to make other people pleased. 

It’s not your job, you know, to fix their perception of you.

It’s not your job, you know, to try to change their experience, or make their experience a more pleasant one.

It’s not your job, you know, to figure out what they need. 

It’s not your job, you know, to meet their needs.

It’s not your job, you know, to fix their sadness, worry, grief or despair. 

It’s not your job, you know, to make their life easier. 

None of this lies on you, my dear. 

You can stop trying to do it all now. You are free to let go of that heavy burden you picked up so long ago.

You can listen.

You can understand.

You can empathize.

You can reflect what they’re saying back to them.

You can hold space for what they’re feeling and experiencing without trying to fix anything.

You can sit in that discomfort with them.

You can sit in that scary place with them.

You can hold them. 

You can love them in this way. 

You can let go of loving them in ways that drain your soul, that no human has the capacity to sustain, that crosses the line of where your responsibility ends, and theirs begins. 

You can learn to love in a new way.

From Hurting to Healing

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Have you heard the saying “Hurt people hurt people?”

Being hurt is a part of our world, part of our human experience. It may bring pain, but think of all the beautiful things that can bloom from it as well… Flowers grow through shit. Beautiful things can come through hardships.

(Beautiful things can also come with ease, without pain or suffering. Just wanted to clarify.)

When people are hurt, it is easier for them to project their hurt outside of themselves in order to feel better, to protect their hearts.

In a reactive state, when a person is focused on survival, the projection of pain can come in the form of more pain, more suffering, more hurt.

This cycle can keep repeating. When a person’s pain is triggered, this reactive, survival instinct kicks in again, and up goes walls, and other forms of protection.

 

Let’s take a step back.

Why do we get hurt? What is it exactly that hurts us?

I’m not entirely sure of these answers, and I think the answers to these questions may be different for everyone.

 

I would venture to say that we get hurt because when a person we love is having a difficulty or hardship going on in their lives, we somehow turn the situation around and make it about us, and what hurts us is that we give truth to the judgment placed on us.

The person going through a hardship reacts in hurt, and we are on the “receiving end.” If we can take a HUGE step back, and remember that this person we love is going through something, that this outward act of “meanness” or hurt is actually a cry for help, we would be better equipped to show up in that relationship in a way that can stop the hurt cycle. We can then be there for our loved ones, being an example of love and encouragement in a time when they need this support the most.

So, we somehow are in the position to get hurt, and instead of allowing that hurt to sink in and take root, we take loving action.

 

This action says “I’m here for you. You are loved. We are on the same team. You are beautiful and glorious and perfectly imperfect. Your presence in this world is for a reason. Your light is brilliant.  You are guided by the Creator. You are more than enough.”

And by sharing Love, we’re spreading Love. We stop the cycle of hurt, and we start the cycle of Love.

 

 

Your New Stress Story

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A question I was asked recently and have been pondering ever since:
“So what can we do to let go of the stress that makes us a way we don’t want to be?”
When listening to Cathy Heller’s podcast featuring Jen Sincero (author of You are a Badass), Jen said something that brought up this thought in me: Stress is a story that I hold onto. I am completely able to rewrite that story. It definitely does not serve me. It’s time to rewrite that story.
This is super intense for me. Stress has been part of my story for so long. But I have some really great news… We create our own reality.
We get to choose our own beliefs. We get to decide. (Insert me screaming like a little girl here, because that’s how excited I am about this.)
So, Amber, you’re telling me that I don’t have to live with this overwhelming, never-ending, sometimes debilitating stress that takes over my body and life?
YESSSS!!!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!! Freedom!!!!
So here’s the fun part… take out your pen and paper. We’re gonna do this together.
What is your story around stress? What were you taught about stress? How does it impact your life now?
Here’s mine:
Growing up, I saw lots of stress around every part of life. Money, marriage, kids. Those are the things that stick out to me. Those are the things that made up everyday life for me, so it seemed that everyday life was stressful. I was taught that we always have stressors, and I may have taken that as “you will always be stressed,” because this is how life had been for me since becoming an adult several years ago. (This is why I’m so excited about this! I have believed that this is just how life is for like, 11 years. And then today when I had this revelation, I was like “wait, what???? This isn’t how life has to be? There is another way?” Talk about shattering a paradigm!!)
Ok, now that that’s done, let’s shift gears. What is your *new* story? Write it down! (Seriously, take as much time as you need and write out ALL of your thoughts! This is how we change our beliefs about things that we were taught growing up, things that we thought were absolute truths that are absolutely opinions!!!)
Here’s my new story:
I cope with stress in freaking amazing ways. I AM a badass (thanks Jen Sincero; I’m so going to read her book). When stressors come my way, I take deep, healing breaths and step into my flow and truth. My life is beautiful and I enjoy it to the fullest every single day. I radiate peace, and joy, and light, and love, and abundance. My body and mind can relax, because I feel safe wherever I go. The world is my playground and I am an explorer, an adventurer. My body takes amazing care of me and I love to live life in a vibrant way.
Now it’s time to write down your new story. Go ahead! Do it!
Now write down a short affirmation that you can say anytime your old story comes up. Here’s mine: “I breathe deeply and trust myself. I relax and let go of stress in vibrant ways.”
I am way excited about the shifts that are going to happen here!!!! BEST DAY EVER.
I hope this helps you break free and live life soaring like an eagle, as bold as a lion. You are loved.

The Practice of Self-Sovereignty

Being more compassionate, kind, gentle, and caring with yourself when you need it is always good. 

Being harsh with yourself, treating yourself in a tough as nails kind of way, this is not the key to lasting change, to sustainable change. 

The change I’m talking about comes from being gentle with yourself when you fall into past patterns that you thought you were done with. When you know how you want to show up in relationship, but you’re struggling to do so with grace. 

Those past patterns are still wanting to come through you, but you know that there is a new way to be in relationship. I know. This is where being gentle and tender with yourself comes into play. 

Of course, darling, you are doing the best you can. Of course it’s tricky to learn new ways of relating. Of course, it takes time, intentionality, and practice to start and continue on this path, this path that you are creating for yourself, one step at a time. 

And all of this, it’s all okay.

Because one step at a time is how most of us get to where we are going, where we want to go. The time is going to pass either way, and you have every right to create what you want with your own life.

Other people will let you know that you’re not doing it right, or that you’re supposed to be the way you already are. There’s no need to change, no need to try to act differently than you have in the past. 

But you’ve heard the call of your heart, and that’s not something that you plan on ignoring, not like you could anyway. Your commitment to doing this thing called life in the way that feels most true, most in integrity, and most in alignment for you is your choice, no one else’s. 

So when you encounter that resistance from relationships in your life, remember to take a breath, take a step back, recall what is actually going on in the situation, honor what you need even if it’s seemingly not okay with others, because in the end, you are responsible for you, and they are not. 

“I don’t want this [place in myself that felt really disrespected] to be tender anymore, but it is. Can I honor this in myself? I’m re-learning, and that’s okay. It is good for me to tend to my own responsibilities, and not give away my energy to things that aren’t mine to tend to. 

And, it’s okay if others think it’s not okay for me to do this. They can decide for themselves, but not for me. I get to decide for me.”

So it is. 

It’s Okay…

It’s okay to want to grow and change, and become a new person.
Its okay that it’s hard sometimes, to change and evolve.
Its okay that on some days, you have worries fill your head, and they just don’t quit.

You are constantly growing and changing.
You are evolving into a truer version of you, every day.
You are not your worries, they are just here to visit.

“Oh, hey, I know you.” Smile and wave. These thoughts, when you remember they aren’t you, when you remember to step outside of the story they want you to believe, you remember this is just a pattern, something you’ve practiced, and you can start practicing a new pattern, now.


You are the sky, and those worries are just some clouds, passing through. Not here to stay, just here to visit.

Speaking of you being the sky, now that you’ve stepped out of that limiting story that the cloud/worry was persuading you into believing, now that that’s not a thing anymore, don’t you feel more expansive? More like, “oh yeah, this is just a silly game?” Then you realize, “It’s okay. It’s okay worries, you’ve done your part. You can rest now. I can take it from here.”

Breathe in that calm surrender. It’s waiting for you.

A New Self-Love Language:

Meeting your needs precisely where you are at, not meeting the needs for the you that is already where you wish to be. 

But before one can do this, one must be honest with themselves.

You cannot meet the needs you have where you are currently at, if you aren’t honest with yourself about where you are currently at. 

Are you the person you wish you were? What strengths do you have, and what are your areas for growth? 

Being honest with oneself isn’t easy, especially in this world where we must look like everything is “positive.” 

Honesty requires breaking away from what outside authorities say is okay for you, and you taking that authority back, where you are the one who says what is okay for you, and what is not okay for you. 

Self sovereignty: “…[T]he ability to choose the direction of one’s own life, and being the exclusive authority over one’s own body and mind. Other synonyms for it are personal freedom, self determination and liberty.”1 With this comes holding yourself accountable for the harm you’ve done, and being honest with what you need to do to be in integrity with yourself. 

To love yourself honestly, to meet your actual needs, you must drop the facade. 

See yourself clearly.

It’s okay to be honest with yourself. It’s okay to accept the things you have done in the past, the things you currently still do, that may cause others harm. 

It won’t harm the actual you to accept this part of yourself. It will feel most dangerous to the ego, that part of you that feels like you must protect yourself at all costs, because you must be “good.” 

You don’t have to “be good,” because you already are good. 

You were never anything other than good.

And these ways that you cause harm to yourself or others, these are ways that you learned to adapt based on the life experiences that you went through, and your (underdeveloped, if younger than in your mid-20’s) brain did the best it could at figuring out what to do to take care of you when you were unsure of what else you should do. 

And your nervous system reacted to keep you safe, based on it’s knowledge of life from the experiences that it had up to that point in your life.

There is no shame in our bodies. There is only goodness. There is beauty. Our bodies evolve, adapt, change, grow, and are always able to learn new ways.

Acceptance of our humanity brings such beautiful freedom and joy, to be more real, more authentic, with ourselves, and with the people we most love in this world. 

In the acceptance of ourselves, the parts we like and dislike, we are able to accept the people we love, both parts we like and dislike, as well. 

Now, on to the practical application of these beautiful words.

What parts of yourself do you wish were different? Can you sit with yourself in this discomfort that you feel when you think about the parts of you that you wished were different? Can you extend compassion to those parts of you? Remembering that those parts of you came about because your body figured out a way to adapt to what was happening, in order to keep you safe, in order to survive? In order to get the love and connection you needed? 

Can you think of yourself as a young child, and extend this love and grace to them? 

Can you comfort yourself in this discomfort, saying “it’s okay little one, you did your best, and that’s all that is required of you”? 

In extending this love and compassion to yourself, you bring healing and acceptance to yourself, allowing yourself to feel safe. In this place of safety, you can learn new ways of being that support you, the you that is here now, rather than repeating the habits you learned long ago.


Remember to reach out for help if you need help in your healing journey, to a friend, family member, a therapist, wherever you can find a safe person to sit and be with you. You are worth giving yourself what you need, so that you can bring more of what you desire into your beautiful life, dear one.

  1. https://futurethinkers.org/developing-self-sovereignty/#:~:text=Self%20sovereignty%20means%20the%20ability,%2C%20self%20determination%2C%20and%20liberty.

Connection

There are times and seasons, where joy and humor come easily
And other seasons, where sadness seems to reign supreme. 
There isn’t anything wrong with being in either season. 
Both are necessary for our humanity.

Both bring about the beauty of our human experience. 

What purpose does being in sadness serve, in the bigger scope, beyond ourselves? 
It gifts upon us compassion and empathy for others who experience suffering,
That we may come alongside our brothers and sisters in their moments of need,
As we hope our brothers and sisters come alongside us in our moments of need.

This is where the beauty lies: in shared community and connection.

Practicing Grace

Having Grace for others. Having Grace for self. It’s so easy to write off someone with a label… When we really know in our hearts that in casting judgment on the other we cast judgment on the self. And in casting judgment on the self, we cast judgment on the other.

I want to remember this Grace, that we all make mistakes. And to remember that mistakes are not bad, just a way to learn. Just a way to receive feedback on what works and what doesn’t work. And what works with some will not work with others, and what works in relationships with some won’t work in relationships with others. Because all people are different: all have different past experiences and different present needs.

Here is the lesson. We remain open to learning; we see how we want to be secure, to know the answer, and the funny thing is, there is no ANSWER.

There is no finality. There is not a black and white description.

Being open, soft, flowing, flexible, able to change, this is the path. 

The black and white thinking served its purpose. It’s natural in our development. 

Also in our development is moving beyond the known, into the place of the unknown. Being okay with not knowing. Being in this space of trust.

Releasing the need for control and certainty and allowing life to happen through you.

What is the truth that wishes to come out of your heart right now?

Embrace the Heart

There’s no one right way to do a thing.

Well, what’s your focus? I guess it depends on what you hope to get out of it. 

Are you looking for a certain outcome, a specific detail met with precision, with pristine accuracy? 

Life is rarely that way. Is it ever? What can be planned, what can be prepared for? 

Think of the most life-changing events in your life. Could you have even imagined or planned for what they turned out to be?

Life goes it’s own way. We’re not able to predict the twists and turns, but we are able to look into our own hearts.

What do you value? What do you cherish? What do you desire? How can you bring yourself to the table called life in a way that pleases your heart? Not the way you’re “supposed” to show up, but what is your own unique way of showing up?

Shall we embrace the deep truth, ferocity, courage, radiance, and glory of our own hearts?

Joyous Abandon

Joy! What Joy!
In the expansion, beyond the contraction.

What is it you would delight in finding joy in today?
What lifts up your eyes and your spirit?
What delights every cell in your body?
What brings you joyous abandon?

Feel the sweetness of your soul.
Feel the love of your heart.
Feel the joy in your cells.
Feel the dance in your feet.

Feel the delight in your body.
This is all here for you, love. 
Go ahead, you have permission to feel it now.
Give yourself permission:

Feel the beautiful essence that is You.

Responsibilities

When you’ve been taught,
That things in your control
Are actually out of your control
And
That things out of your control
Are your responsibility
It’s normal to feel
Overwhelmed
Out of Control
Stuck
Hopeless
Unfulfilled.
And, yet, there is hope here still:
You have freedom in this realization;
You are free to claim your responsibilities,
And let go of all that’s not.