Meeting your needs precisely where you are at, not meeting the needs for the you that is already where you wish to be.
But before one can do this, one must be honest with themselves.
You cannot meet the needs you have where you are currently at, if you aren’t honest with yourself about where you are currently at.
Are you the person you wish you were? What strengths do you have, and what are your areas for growth?
Being honest with oneself isn’t easy, especially in this world where we must look like everything is “positive.”
Honesty requires breaking away from what outside authorities say is okay for you, and you taking that authority back, where you are the one who says what is okay for you, and what is not okay for you.
Self sovereignty: “…[T]he ability to choose the direction of one’s own life, and being the exclusive authority over one’s own body and mind. Other synonyms for it are personal freedom, self determination and liberty.”1 With this comes holding yourself accountable for the harm you’ve done, and being honest with what you need to do to be in integrity with yourself.
To love yourself honestly, to meet your actual needs, you must drop the facade.
See yourself clearly.
It’s okay to be honest with yourself. It’s okay to accept the things you have done in the past, the things you currently still do, that may cause others harm.
It won’t harm the actual you to accept this part of yourself. It will feel most dangerous to the ego, that part of you that feels like you must protect yourself at all costs, because you must be “good.”
You don’t have to “be good,” because you already are good.
You were never anything other than good.
And these ways that you cause harm to yourself or others, these are ways that you learned to adapt based on the life experiences that you went through, and your (underdeveloped, if younger than in your mid-20’s) brain did the best it could at figuring out what to do to take care of you when you were unsure of what else you should do.
And your nervous system reacted to keep you safe, based on it’s knowledge of life from the experiences that it had up to that point in your life.
There is no shame in our bodies. There is only goodness. There is beauty. Our bodies evolve, adapt, change, grow, and are always able to learn new ways.
Acceptance of our humanity brings such beautiful freedom and joy, to be more real, more authentic, with ourselves, and with the people we most love in this world.
In the acceptance of ourselves, the parts we like and dislike, we are able to accept the people we love, both parts we like and dislike, as well.
Now, on to the practical application of these beautiful words.
What parts of yourself do you wish were different? Can you sit with yourself in this discomfort that you feel when you think about the parts of you that you wished were different? Can you extend compassion to those parts of you? Remembering that those parts of you came about because your body figured out a way to adapt to what was happening, in order to keep you safe, in order to survive? In order to get the love and connection you needed?
Can you think of yourself as a young child, and extend this love and grace to them?
Can you comfort yourself in this discomfort, saying “it’s okay little one, you did your best, and that’s all that is required of you”?
In extending this love and compassion to yourself, you bring healing and acceptance to yourself, allowing yourself to feel safe. In this place of safety, you can learn new ways of being that support you, the you that is here now, rather than repeating the habits you learned long ago.
Remember to reach out for help if you need help in your healing journey, to a friend, family member, a therapist, wherever you can find a safe person to sit and be with you. You are worth giving yourself what you need, so that you can bring more of what you desire into your beautiful life, dear one.